Managing your own stress

I learned a bad behavior early on in my academic career–the longer I wait to complete something, the more I force myself to focus to complete it on time. The focused attention saves me, and it more or less works out. Either I produce something average or I exceed my own expectations with the results. I never fail. Grit taught me that was a very bad habit to reinforce.

You see, the opposite behavior would have been to study–to practice, to work hard, to grind away until I produce a satisfying result. I didn't believe in that. I still don't, really. There are so many experiences in this life, and forcing myself to ignore my instincts about whether something is enjoyable for the long-term is not one of the most appealing.

There's a cautious approach to this reckless giving up, of course. The practical one.

As much as humanly possible, it's critical to exercise curiosity.

The joke there is that even though I am terrible at habits, the one consistent habit I keep is curiosity, and that involves always wanting to understand more. One way or another, introducing new information leads to change.

Stress was a familiar feeling because of this self-induced punishment. But it was still much more palatable than the risk of desperately preparing for something significant only to miss expectations.

The only time I have ever missed expectations in my life was the period of my time when I have experienced more stress than I thought possible.

There was so much going on, and it crystallized that I needed to remove this mental exertion when I realized I was not properly coping with the deaths of some friends and I was getting very, very angry all the time for no particular reason. It was beyond irritation, and it was bordering on rage–all this pent up frustration that threatened to capsize my entire being because I just could not control how I was talking to people. It was appalling. It was that intense.

Once I saw it, once I realized what "stress" meant, and what it could do to my own emotions and how I interact with people, nothing that I did that was causing this stress was worthwhile.

But first, I had to see it.

Even though stress is familiar and common, it is tricky to recognize because you don't often have the perspective to be objective. Emotions, and stress, can be irritating like that.

Fortunately, here's a list of five things you can check off for awareness, and address it! No guarantees this will work though. I'm still working on those habits.

Are you eating?

Changes in diet are one of the most recognizable ways that there is something deeply wrong with my body and my feelings. It’s not about eating more or less either; I tend to eat less. But it’s that I forget about food completely. This is a catastrophic departure from my everyday identity.

Solution: Don’t do this. Don’t forget about your lunch break, ever. Dinner gets a pass because you could be fasting. But you should really spend more time with your friends and family in the evenings.

Are you sleeping?

Irregular sleep hours are a dead giveaway. Because inconsistency in sleep will wreck your body, and then you really are closer to death. Not worth it for any project or product or job. Maybe acceptable for career and long-term personal growth, but will sleeping less really improve that?

Solution: Insomnia is terrible, and if you do not have the flexibility of a remote-friendly or work-from-home culture, where you can take naps or choose the hours you're meeting or working, then you have to understand how to calm your mind to allow yourself the "luxury" of sleep at a consistent time every night. Maybe this is meditation, or exercise, or medication. Or channeling your insomniac thoughts into creative energy. Or better management of your time. But sleeping irregularly is not something to ignore.

Are you sober?

Escaping from mental acuity is the catalyst for a great time. But if being sober means I will definitely not have a great time, then there's some dependency problem. Everything in moderation. I know I am overindulging when I need to feel wrecked to enjoy spending time with the people I care about.

Solution: This is tricky, because who doesn't enjoy a good buzz? But it is important to rediscover that "buzz" in more places than the bottom of your glass.

Are you exercising?

Exercise is awful until it's done, and then exercise feels amazing. But it does take a lot of motivation to be consistent. Stress is a very powerful distractor from keeping consistent habits.

Solution: Just do it.

Are you socializing?

When I suddenly become unavailable all the time to all plans and all friends (or I don't even think about making plans), I know something is wrong. I am an introvert, so it takes energy to see people I want to see, let alone people I do not want to see. But I know it is time to step away from the "day-to-day, business as usual" work projects when my mental energy and personal time is spent less with the people I care about than the work I care about.

Solution: Don't cancel plans. Make plans in advance. Learn to manage your time so you are spending your time with what matters–the people in your life.